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End-of-the-Year Indignities Program Expanded for 2002

Festivities Include Locker Closures, Pass Ban, ID Overkill

Because the administration feels students just haven't put up with enough crap this year, they decided to heap it on in the final innings. On June 4, a full week before classes ended, students were required to remove all their possessions from their lockers or have students and staff loot away any remaining contents. Previously this event, known as Locker Looter Day, was held the very last day of school, after which janitors would literally shovel refuse from the halls. At the same time, students were denied the right to passes, meaning if they were unable to visit a restroom during passing time, they are supposed to shit themselves. In the administrations' defense, their stupidity and reliance on racial profiling likely would enable white students and particularly clever minorities to circumvent the system. Finally, students have been given another reason to keep their ID with them everywhere they go--to pay in the lunch line. It's understood that students who pay for meals with a prepaid account need to use their PINs, but what about the people who use cash? Doesn't matter, according to those in charge. "It's all about control," said a student who asked not to be identified.

Senior Party 2002

"Just One More Confiscation For Old Times' Sake"

In under two weeks, Seniors will be graduating. Congratulations. Those of you who "made it" have certainly earned your diploma--not only by completing school work, but by putting up with endless tests and indignities. You should also be presented with an advanced certificate in coping with bullshit. Recognizing that this is an important day in your life, school officials have planned a post-graduation Senior Party--billed as a fun-filled event. But after a look at the "important information" on the back of the invitation, it appears it will indeed be fun-filled--with plenty of policies designed for the amusement of sadistic staff members. Though they understandably prohibit weapons, alcohol, and drugs, they also promise to confiscate the following non-threatening items should they be brought to the allegedly fun-filled party: Backpacks, Valuables, Money, Electronics, Food, Pagers, and Cell Phones. One would wonder what threat to the Senior Party these items would pose. After all, if I'm not mistaken, every one of the previous seven items has been brought into classrooms by numerous students day after day for the past four years. If they were a serious problem for student safety, they should have been removed from school long ago. But aside from that, one wonders how they intend to ensure that none of these items are present? "Empty your pockets and take off your clothes, honey. I want to get every last Benjamin". There was a principal in another state who had staff check girls' underwear before Prom to prevent thong-wearers from entering the party, but this appears to be much worse. Add to this the invitations' encouragement to bring towels and swimsuits, and this party begins to sound a lot more like a drool-fest for dirty old men than a joyous experience. Just when you thought (or hoped) that this could not possibly get more offensive, you notice that the location of this sicko-fest is being kept secret, which makes it a lot easier to force students to put up with this crap until they are dropped off at South at 5:30am. Attending this event will set you back $40.00, which is a lot more than I'd pay to put up with the same crap school officials have been dishing up during my entire school career! The only good thing about this event is that it is voluntary. I would not recommend attending; but it is a free country!--Dr. Vinny, SouthHighSucks.com Publisher

Editor's Note: We realize that the preceding article may be offensive to some people. But we truly feel that the mailing we recieved about this party was quite sinister, and we feel it is necessary to share our opinion with you. As always, you are more than welcome to tell us what you think about this topic in the Visitor Forum.

SouthHighSucks.com Returns After Attack

On Wednesday, May 15, SouthHighSucks.com was removed from the web after certain individuals saw fit to harass its web host. We have now enlisted the services of a new host and will soon present new features this partnership makes possible. We apologize for any inconvenience caused by our 5-day downtime, and hope that this type of mischief does not occur again. As always, thanks for visiting SouthHighSucks.com and enjoy your day.

Pledge Bill Vetoed

We will not have to recite the Pledge of Allegiance in schools due to a veto of the MN bill that would require it by Jesse Ventura. Ventura calls the requirement indoctrination. He opined that love of country comes from within, not from a big-government program.

Fire Drill Season Has Arrived!

As all Minnesotans know, there are two seasons: Winter and Road Construction. Here at South, we also have two seasons: Summer Vacation and Fire Drills. Over the last two weeks, the inept powers that be have chosen to plow students onto the sidewalks across the street from the school numerous times. According to the administration, at least one of the drills was the result of students creating a bonfire of sorts on the walls of the third floor, destroying many posters. Students who were unaccounted for during the time of the blaze were questioned. The reason for the other drills is so far unknown, though we're confident the administration is not beyond using childish pranks to annoy students and staff.

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